Hey peeps i finally got my fingers moving to start blogging again. good news is that for those who can't read japanese, いまにほんごがぜんぜんわからない！which roughly translates to my japanese has deteriorated to a state in which i completely cannot understand japanese anymore. haha

Well anyway, I'm back in freezing New York. Strange thing is I don't feel as depressed and sad as other times when i had to leave Singapore. I think it's mainly because I've been praying about it more and talking to a couple of people who have been a huge blessing to me. Particularly the chats at Sentosa and church sort of got me thinking about a lot.

I've actually been struggling to grapple with some truth that I've preached on and had head knowledge about. It would probably do me a whole lot of good to actually write it down and remind me for the rest of my time in Columbia. In all honesty, I have been asking God a lot of questions, not just lately, but a long while now. It seems that I haven't been enjoying my time in Columbia and New York all that much. For the longest of time, I have been asking God why He chose to pluck me out of fruitfulness in GLCC and throw me in this spiritual wilderness that is New York. I have been asking God to show me and tell me WHY..

I have been trying really really hard to reconcile the joy of serving the Lord and enjoying His fellowship with that of enduring trials. Being alone in a foreign land is in itself a tough task but here in New York, it brings the spiritual challenge to a whole new level. All along I have thought that maybe this is what God wants me to go through because He is preparing me for greater things that I'll have to endure. It probably still is, no doubt. The thing is I have reflected and can probably say that I have been mostly faithful in my walk all these time and I'll have these check boxes where I tick, whether I have done my QT faithfully, reading the word faithfully, serving...etc. All these boxes I could tick but when it came to the box where it says "do you have joy", I struggle to tick it. The fruit of the Spirit is love, JOY, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. lacking one probably means only one thing - I am not fruitful? or worse, not filled with the Spirit? all pretty bad scenarios to imagine.

I have been asking the big question: "Lord, why do I not have JOY?" the subset of this big question would fundamentally be: "why am I here Lord?" I have preached in China about the immense joy Paul had when he was in prison. I even had long discussions with Ian about the difference between joy and happiness. Joy being that which is beyond circumstances and feelings whereas happiness is largely dependent on aforementioned. But I still couldn't really comprehend it at a practical level. I've shared with Ian perhaps I should not preach on it since I felt I didn't have joy but he insisted that i did. Praise the Lord i did. It sure gave me a lot to think about over the last semester.

However, the question of why no joy remained till before I came back. So many whys. Why suffering? Why struggling? Why no peace? Why was I chosen? Why me?? Why this why that... When I can't sleep I ask why and get frustrated. When I don't do well in school I ask why and get frustrated. When things don't happen the way i expect it to I ask why and get frustrated.

Was focusing my prayers especially on these question then along came proverbs 20.

Pro 20:24 A man's steps are from the LORD; how then can man understand his way?

It completely blew my mind. the verse came right after my prayers.. u can perhaps imagine the impact it had. I cried out desperately to God for a break-through and He answered. And I quote my lovely sis: "God is sovereign. we may not understand, but we can obey. He is the creator, so He has the right to do anything with it. just like how we've the right to do what we please with any sculpture we made and own."

Hey I knew that! but it never once come across my mind when I was questioning. I was demanding to know God's plans for me. And when he didn't answer immediately I grew frustrated and bitter that He wasn't answering. It was as if He heard all my prayers but chose to remain silent. I was clearly upset with God.

Pride, Eric, Pride. Who am I to demand to know God's will for me? Who am I to question God's sovereignty? Who? a lowly scumbag of a sinner like me? What was I thinking? Does He owe me anything? Was He obligated to die for me? Was He obligated to bless me when I've repeatedly grieved Him? No, no and no.

Then again, would a divine and sovereign God, who chose to humble himself and die for me, hold any blessings back from me? Would He short-change me? Would He be stingy with His blessings? again, i can only answer no. So what is wrong with you Eric?

I have asked God to direct my steps, lead me and progress me but when He does I question. Proverbs tells me that if the Lord directs my way, will I in my finite mind be able to fathom and understand my ways? Yep, probably not. Many times in our walk with God, we almost fail to revere Him, to worship His sovereignty, to acknowledge that His ways are above ours. What comfort to meditate on this and rejoice in this... What joy to know His ways are perfect... What peace I got out of it... God is indeed AWESOME! God works in mysterious ways. indeed James... If only we are obedient...

I thank God for my dear friend who got me started praying and thinking at Sentosa. And if you're thinking "yes yes, Christianity and its blind faith", I've got this for you: "you can perhaps keep your deplorable world and hang on to your fallible faith, Praise the Lord I worship an almighty God whose ways are perfect, whose ways are above my erranous ones!" I challenge you though, to seek God out and share this immense joy that embalms my life! Please ask me if I have joy the next time you see me. =)